Dear Anonymous: The Headband That Haunts Me

Dear Anonymous,

Wow. You "hate me?" Remember what Freud says, "Hate and love are twins." If you feel that kind of intensity, I'm guessing there is also an attraction. Trust me friend, Wantu's spirit is working on you.

You want to know why I write this? Well, I guess I'm used to a public search for the truth. AA breeds that into you. They way they make you tell secrets within a room full of strangers. That's what I'm doing, Dear Anonymous, I'm working out my secrets. My friendship with Wantu is my deepest secret. I don't know why, but this blog pulls Wantu out of me so I can see him, see what he's been up to in the back of my head. Doesn't everyone we meet live within us in some way?

Like this morning. I woke up and remembered this terry cloth headband. It was white and said "Atlanta Braves" on the front in blood orange lettering with tiny tomahawks above the ears. It was the kind of thing Bruce Jenner would've worn in 1976. Absolutely ridiculous now. One morning Wantu showed up wearing this headband while the pigeon wore a matching band of elastic string--the kind of string you'd pull from the waistband of your underpants. For weeks he wore that headband and the bird mirrored him. Let me tell you something my Dear Anonymous, I've got a standing inquiry on e-bay and craigslist offering real cash to anyone who has one of those Braves headbands. I don't know why. I think it would give me some sort of peace to have one now.

Incident at TippyCanoe

When Roy and I entered the TippyCanoe with Wantu, and the two men at the bar turned and laughed, and the red nosed man said to Wantu, "Puberty can be hell!" and they both fell into laughter. Well, I remember Wantu staring and smiling, like a true imbecile, enjoying the laughter. But Roy, protective of the little guy, noticed the nametag hanging from the comic's neck and said, "Hey Digby. I don't know if you were notified, but all rights to humor at the expense of others were revoked when you were born. Because your name is Digby. Dig. By. You see? Your mother marked you, so that all would know that you are to be the butt, the brunt, the laughing stock--the Digby that causes women to twitter at the sound of your name and then continue walking."

Then Digby rose from his stool in a threatening manner and the air went stiff and I thought Roy was going to suffer violence, when Wantu suddenly stepped forward and hugged Digby's leg. He hugged and continued hugging until Digby went from shock, to embarrassment, to tears. Roy apologized, careful not to repeat Digby's name, and we took a table and ordered three O'Doul's premium non-alcholic beers while the pigeon stared at us through the streetside window.